2017 was a scooter to the ankle in calendar year form. It’s been an incredibly long year, one that has gratefully come to an end. While there were some truly amazing and groundbreaking pieces of cinema this year, there were also some awful entires into film’s history. I want to say up top: I am not paid to see movies. If something looks terrible, I don’t always want to subject myself too it, as I get very little back from it. I missed a lot of what are the worst films of the year, so this is not a definitive list. Rather, a list of the films I saw this year that left a horrible taste in my mouth. So let’s say goodbye to 2017 by giving it a taste of it’s own medicine, and shitting on it. Shall we?
5. The Greatest Showman
Hugh Jackman has the distinguished honor of being the lead in the fifth pick in both my best and worst of the year list. It is astounding how terrible The Greatest Showman is. The “story,” whenever they decided to have one, is contrived an original, the characters are all two dimensional, and it’s somehow paced both too fast and too slow. This is a movie where everything works out for everyone all the time because they look like Zac Efron. Some of the musical numbers are among the best of the year, but simply because this is the only musical of 2017. The Greatest Showman is a string of a few fun youtube clips, strung together by a boring story about a genuinely terrible person. Maybe the worst sin of all? This movie features Jackman and Efron in leading roles, and neither of them are shirtless at any point in the movie. How dare they.
4. Alien: Covenant
Ridley Scott is possibly the highest profile hit-or-miss director working today. The Martian was my favorite movie of 2015, and his early filmography shows just how talented he can be. However, Alien Covenant is simply a sloppyfilm. Characters make one idiotic decision after another, making the viewer feel less nervous for them, and honestly understanding they deserve what they get. Michael Fassbender was the best part of Prometheus, and Scott manages to ruin that by giving us not one, but two “twin Fassbenders playing the flute” scenes. Scott has more of these movies planned out, and I can only hope there franchise takes a serious pivot.
3. The Mummy
Remember the Dark Universe? Universals answer to the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Yeah that didn’t last very long. In a rare Tom Cruise miscasting, this film is a transparent, bloated attempt to try and get film fans excited for a genuinely terrible product. About halfway through the movie, after the characters have been confusingly set up and the stakes poorly established, the film comes to a grinding halt, as Russell Crowe literally walks Tom Cruise through a museum of the other Universal monsters, all who could’ve gotten their very own film.This movie landed in theaters with a thud, and as of now, the entire franchise is on hold.
2. Justice League
Don’t let the praises of “fun!” And “funniest DC movie in years” trick you, Justice League is a mess. A seemingly endless stream of production troubles plagued the much hyped Avengers style team up film. I love these characters, and I was hopeful after Wonder Woman there would be a change of guard over at Warner Bros. But that never happened. And the final product was a miss-mash of two wildly different movies, movies that do not pair well together. It’s sexist, it’s offensive, and on a 300 million dollar budget, it has no excuse for looking as ugly as it does. Make sure you stick around after the credits, as it teases a sequel you’re sure to hate.
1. Transformers: The Last Knight
Are you even surprised? Of course the news Michael Bay Transformers is the worst of the year. Which is disappointing, because it almost avoided it. After the disappointing Age of Extinction, Paramount created a writers room to try and breathe new life into this franchise. But all that is worthless once you bring back the pair of Akiva Goldsman and Michael Bay. Every creative idea is completely squashed by Bay’s trademark “style.” It’s overly long, the action is underwhelming at best, and while Michael Bay might think he’s the funniest filmmaker ever to walk the earth, there isn’t a single joke that lands. The best part of this movie, is it’s Michael Bay’s last entry to this universe. Here’s hoping Bumblebee can save this dumpster fire.